The Bureau Hangover Guide

A while back the Gentlemen’s Journal caught my attention with an article titled “The handsome man’s guide to a hangover.”

Naturally I clicked on it. As a handsome man (be kind), I figured I needed all the help I could get, because as far as I know, no-one has been able to claim and successfully patent a guaranteed hangover cure.

“I’d give my left testicle to never suffer through a hangover again”

To borrow from the vernacular of a distant relative of mine, I’d give my left testicle to never suffer through a hangover again. But given that in my lifetime it’s likely there will never be such a cure – and even if there were, I’m not really sure I’d hand over one of my balls anyway – a guide to managing a raging hangover is at least better than nothing.

Now, I’m predicting that most gentlemen reading this, while curious, won’t bother clicking on the link above to see what’s actually in a guide for the handsome man who has a hangover. And fair enough, too. What sort of vain claptrap could possibly be in there?

Well, to save you the hassle, I’ll reveal all. Da da! It’s about hydrating masks, under-eye creams that hide bags and, wait for it, bronzing gels that supposedly help you look half human again after a massive night out on the boards.

I can’t help but think these kinds of measures are akin to how brick walls are patched up and bagged after a city council bus has accidentally careened out of control across the street and driven straight through them, like you see on the evening news. Afterwards, people appreciate the patch up job and the effort to conceal the damage, but there’s just no hiding the trauma it caused.

So I’ve decided to keep things real by offering up my own guide based on years and years of being a bad learner and simply not knowing how to stop drinking on a night out when the going is good.

Here it is:

The Bureau Hangover Guide

NOTE: This guide assumes you went out and had a belter, have woken up and would be quite content to just roll over and die.

Hydrate

Er, duh, but getting to that fridge first thing when you wake up is like the struggle that ultra-marathoner who got lost in the desert somewhere in North Africa had before him, only he had the will to live. When you get home, put that bottle of water or sports drink next to your pillow so all you have to do when you wake up hung to the eyeballs, is roll over and pop that top open and drink. Not enough? Then, I have it on good authority that places like Malt and El Goucho have some of the best Bloody Marys in town. You’re on your own getting there, though.

Eat

Yup, it’s hard to put anything in your gob after hours of pouring alcohol into it, but eating is key. Your body needs it. Preferably fill it with hydrating foods like fruit – watermelon and papaya are great – if you can stomach it. Yes, we know it feels like you’ve got a mouthful of sand, but just do it. No fruit in the house? Hit Back’s Burger in District 7. I’ll see you there.

Swim in the ocean

By far one of the best “cures” for a hangover ever. The downside is, not many of us live near the sea. If we did, we probably wouldn’t drink near as much. Solution? Hit the nearest pool as early as possible before the sun gets too high. Short of that, sit under a cold shower for as long as you can stand it. If you can’t do that, you’re kind of screwed, really.

Pack ice

Lie down and place one of those icy gel packs at the base of your head, right where your spine connects to it. Feel that throbbing pain through your eyes begin to dissipate. With the heat you’re emitting at nuclear reactor meltdown levels right now, your gel pack is gonna warm quickly. What’s your back up plan for when it does?

Get things steamy

You can’t stay in bed all day. Get yourself up and straight to the nearest steam room. While steaming releases much-needed moisture from your body, it can easily be replaced with water and other liquids. Sit in that steamer for 10 minutes with a water bottle, continually topping up. I know for a fact Anna Sanctuary Wellness Spa in District 7 has a good steam room with hot and cold jacuzzis.

— Matthew Cowan

Got a better hangover tip? Let me know.

Feature photo: Thom Masat on Unsplash